LP
often i sit absorbing the silent solitude maybe with the moonmaybe with the stars somewhereanywhere reallywhere i can feel the rain against my empty boxmy heart yearns to fill.but with the rainoh that cold, cold rainit fills my box to the rim.there is no loneliness because loneliness has always been with mehave you ever been alone in a crowded room?that is true loneliness andi feel the rainoh that cold, cold rainfilling my empty box fulloh that cold, cold rain filling me full 

often i sit 
absorbing the silent solitude 
maybe with the moon
maybe with the stars somewhere
anywhere really
where i can feel the rain 
against my empty box
my heart yearns to fill.
but with the rain
oh that cold, cold rain
it fills my box to the rim.
there is no loneliness because loneliness has always been with me
have you ever been alone in a crowded room?
that is true loneliness and
i feel the rain
oh that cold, cold rain
filling my empty box full
oh that cold, cold rain 
filling me full 


I thought I understood it
that I could grasp it
but I didn’t
not really.
Only the smudgeness of it;
the pink-slippered,
all-containered,
semi-precious eagerness of it.
I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole
that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea.
Because it’s the halves that halve you in half
I didn’t know
don’t know
about the in-between bits;
the gory bits of you
and the gory bits of me.

Sua Sponte - Army Rangers - Hello My Old Heart

Rangers Lead The Way

Who We Want To Be (9/19/14-0610)

I’ve never felt this way before. There was something about this morning that was too much to handle. The pain was incredible. Like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Like being stabbed in the gut of the heart over and over and over again. Up to this point, I have only ever been afraid of succeeding. Until this morning, I’ve lived under the companionship of pain and adversity because those are all I have ever really been able to rely on in my life to mold myself - to test myself - to try and understand myself. They say for those who are fortunate enough, there comes a point in your life where your limits are pushed so far and adversity is concentrated just right so that for just a moment, control is stripped away. The situation becomes helpless. Every ounce of strength you thought could push you through is compromised. Unfortunately, this morning was not that moment. And yet, as I looked up the final stretch my legs were the first to go. Then my breathing. My vision blurred along with all sense of feeling I had and all I could hear was my heart crying.. clawing.. dying.. Standing outside, bleeding, puking, sweating, I struggled to keep myself. I looked up and saw the faded hue of the sunrise embracing the stadium walls and for the first time in my life I questioned it all. For just a split moment, I wanted it all to end. All of it. I wanted my sunrise. I began to cry for it. I’ve never felt that way before. It disgusted me. It made my blood boil. It was so fucking painful and I was alive again. It was beautiful - so incredibly beautiful.

Pandemonium

"i was settled into nothingness;
a kind of non-being”
of my gears that don’t turn
but continue to tick 
with a mind of their own 
so mockingly 
fast
so painfully
relentless
and all i can hear
is all i can’t fucking see
despite all i can feel
as i am settled into
nothingness

Wherever the roads may lead, the fight continues. Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. I will be forever grateful. #NeverOutOfTheFight

Wherever the roads may lead, the fight continues. Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. I will be forever grateful. #NeverOutOfTheFight

i’m down by the water again

for a moment i’m down by the water again. the water is cold. the darkness so overwhelmingly dark. i can see it. i hear it. i can feel it… for a moment i’m down by the water again. I am trembling. i can see it. i can hear it. i can feel it… but only for just a moment. for a moment i’m down by the water again. this is my hell. i am home now.

erase you (excerpt)

What can I do when there’s a me without you
I’m splitting slowly just leave me lonely
Into a sea into a dream where there’s only
Time to be free time to relieve

I’ve been lost in time 
Forgetting my mind
If I knew what to do I’d learn how to erase you

If you could see
If you could just release me
I’m melting everywhere 
With only you to spare
Into a sea into a dream where there’s only
Time to be free time to relieve

I’ve been lost in time 
Forgetting my mind
If I knew what to do I’d learn how to erase you

nevver:

Make it work

things change
priorities change
people change
things move on
move on
or change

Intimacy is not who you let touch your genitalia. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.
(via oursecretdesires)
6:02 PM

I’d like to gut myself
See what fills me
See where the fire burned
See the ashes and pleas
See where my heart froze
See the emptiness stretch outward
See myself inside out
See that I was dead
Before I ever lived

newsweek:

Here is Marine Corporal Jose Armenta in his tent on the night before getting blown up in Afghanistan. He jokes with Mulrooney and Berry and the medic the guys have nicknamed “Christ.” He feeds and waters his dog, Zenit, a sable-coat German shepherd. 

He lets Buyes, who will be dead in three months, ruffle Zenit’s fur, for the radioman is crazy about the dog. Then he takes Zenit outside in the waning light of this dusty, desert otherworld to train. 

They’re happiest like this. Jose has Zenit sit, which the dog does obediently, and then Jose jogs 50 yards down and hides a rubber toy, a Kong, up against a mud wall, covering it with dirt. 

On Jose’s command, Zenit bursts forward, zigging in search of it, tail wagging. It’s an intricate dance. Voice commands met by precise canine action, always with the same end goal in mind—to find the toy. Tomorrow, on patrol, the objective will be finding not a toy but an improvised explosive device, or IED, one of the Taliban’s most brutally effective weapons against American troops here in what many consider the most dangerous province in one of the world’s most dangerous countries. And no dog can find every bomb every time. 

The Dogs of War

newsweek:

Here is Marine Corporal Jose Armenta in his tent on the night before getting blown up in Afghanistan. He jokes with Mulrooney and Berry and the medic the guys have nicknamed “Christ.” He feeds and waters his dog, Zenit, a sable-coat German shepherd.

He lets Buyes, who will be dead in three months, ruffle Zenit’s fur, for the radioman is crazy about the dog. Then he takes Zenit outside in the waning light of this dusty, desert otherworld to train.

They’re happiest like this. Jose has Zenit sit, which the dog does obediently, and then Jose jogs 50 yards down and hides a rubber toy, a Kong, up against a mud wall, covering it with dirt.

On Jose’s command, Zenit bursts forward, zigging in search of it, tail wagging. It’s an intricate dance. Voice commands met by precise canine action, always with the same end goal in mind—to find the toy. Tomorrow, on patrol, the objective will be finding not a toy but an improvised explosive device, or IED, one of the Taliban’s most brutally effective weapons against American troops here in what many consider the most dangerous province in one of the world’s most dangerous countries. And no dog can find every bomb every time.

The Dogs of War

8/21/14


the greatest single of piece of advice
i have ever received 
is to never accommodate for anyone
never donate your time like some kind of commodity for anyone,
it cannot be returned 
it cannot be retrieved again.
your time must be just as valuable if not more valuable than theirs
as it should be 
never invest your deepest efforts for anyone
because anyone that is not you
is nothing more than temporary 
a waste of you.
fend for your quarry
into the shadows
fight your fight
and only your
fight

'This is the hunter’s badge of glory; That he protect and tend his quarry; Hunt with honour, as is due; And through the beast to God is true.'

'This is the hunter’s badge of glory; That he protect and tend his quarry; Hunt with honour, as is due; And through the beast to God is true.'